Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
