meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
