I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
