I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
