Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Randomize
