Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
