are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
