I think I won the penis lottery.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Randomize
