It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
