Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
