It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
The best revenge is premature balding
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
