I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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