and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
