An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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