I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
