i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
