Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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