me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
