He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
