my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
