I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
