Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
