also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
