I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
