i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
