You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
