cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
