I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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