I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
