A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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