Can i not drive my cunt home
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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