Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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