hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I know her cup size but not her name....
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
