I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
