i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
