you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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