I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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