Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
