when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Sorry about my life...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
