if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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