I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
