The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
