I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
