We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
