I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
there is glitter all over my balls
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