The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
