how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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