sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
