Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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