I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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